good talk

dianna is too familiar with what isn't healthy. now i have to let you prove it to me. will this be difficult? yes. will it be worth it? I hope so.

can i just give someone the attention they deserve for two seconds...

I am gonna just not be afraid. and get hurt big. the gain is bigger than the loss. Why don't people like risks? Its a little exciting.

Dear Ray, you have a freakin' sexy voice.

"you are the best thing thats ever happened to me"

mister new

Why hello mister new. Hello to your thoughts, and hello to your vision. How suprised am I at the lack of aprehension. I know I say things, that maybe just suprise you, but your nonverbal is saying something pretty loudly. I had an enchanted afternoon with you, more than I have had in a while, thanks for helping me into my nook in the tree, thanks for catching me as I came down.

I cannot say what I feel, I'm nervous- scared to walk away from where I've been. Today was more perfect than most days, in most ways. Oh spring semester, what are you trying to do to me? Where are you trying to take me, or better yet, what is it that you're trying to teach me?

"Well, this is convenient?" is it? you have no idea how inconvenient it is. I wish it were convenient.

Guess what, here are the numorous options that have been promised. Here they are, ready for you to be worthy of them. Oh the wonderous options. Because people are more than they show. Intricate beautiful creations of a heavenly one above, orchestrating something so much bigger. Why can't I just hear my part and play along?

control

The only thing that I actually had a little bit of tonight. I can't help the fact that I am falling. And the thought of you being a no... tonight when I was in your arms, it actually brought me to tears, what does that even mean? how rebellious am I being? How far am I straying if I just stay right here. Cuz I said I missed you three times, cuz I feel like I missed you three times as much as I missed anyone. There is something about the way it feels to be in your arms. Its something to the effect of safety and trust. Just knowing that everything is gonna be ok, no matter what. I can't help but melt when you say how much you like me, and what I am made of. I can't get over what good music does to me, its kinda like what you do to me.
You laugh because I have to fight myself. I have to try not to want to make love to you. I have to try to not move beneath you. But I didn't, and that means I'm strong. I just have to continue.
I like it when you take me up into your arms, and I'm not touching the ground anymore- in more than one way.

I have to think about what was said, not that I should discredit anything, not that I should ignore anything. But if I have a choice in the matter, I choose you.
I feel like I don't though. when we just looked into eachothers eyes, my soul turned a little. It was afraid of what the future holds. I thought I liked knowing things better, but now I am remembering a conversation that I had with an old lover and he said " ignorance is bliss " and I thought he was retarded. But now I think the same. I hate goodbyes. more than anything with anyone pleasant. I hate 'em.

I'll get better. I'll become more willing. I'll become more teachable. I'll listen, eventually.

is there nothing that i can do?

I am just going to say it, I am usually really on top of my game. This feels completely different different... I feel a little out of control. I hate it? maybe? I hate the way he makes me feel helpless in mutliple kinds of ways... It will get better? I dunno? Will it change? I dunno? Will I fell like my feet are on the ground eventually? Hopefully.

I am so distracted. Then there's this other person who is all over it. And I don't really know what to do with that. I'm a little overwhelmed maybe?

I am again talking to one of my best friends. And its totally amazing to speak with him, like beyond amazing to have our friendship back. Its a little weird since he's married, and once we contemplated getting married to one another. I thought for sure I was taking his name. But I didn't and I am ok with it. I am over it. But our friendship is beyond amazing. Other than that I was promised a permanent place in his heart. We converted to the gospel of jesus christ, almost at the same time. Our testimonies grew beside eachothers. Friendship is pretty stellar. But he can't be my best friend, cuz that has to be saved for someone else.

speed

sometimes its as though drugs have been pumped into your bloodstream and unconsciously you move forward through life quicker than what you expected. things move faster, but you're out of control, and what you thought seemed normal, looking back is actually bad.
I realized what i was taking away from us as we moved forward, thats why i hesitated before i let all my armour fall down. i hope you saw it too. did you think about it then, or just later. light, sometimes diminishes when you stomp on it. the couple day break has brough long thoughtful moments of analysis. and I am still trying to regret it. I'm sorry that we hurt us? am i? did i even learn anything? yea... I think so.

I'm sore, it hurts, bruised, changed, scarred, made.

did you realized that scarred is scared minus an R?

Either way, today i learned something about divinity within our amazing bodies, and for that I am thankful.

writing again

Its been about a million years since I have written regularly, and hopefully this will become a habbit... here goes nothing:


when you were there, the only thing on me, it all came back rushing like my favorite memory, I dreamt of you before you became real, your face a familiar frame that I had before seen. Its moments like this that I have to hold back my tongue and not say what is racing through the hallways of my mind. because honesty sometimes isn't the best policy when your dealing with something a fragile as a future.

dang, it feels good to get that creative energy down. each moment of time is an opportunity to express something secret with words. yay!

I should really write a story

ok, so here's the skinny. I've been in utah for about 7 weeks now. Not like I'm counting or anything but things seem to keep changing on me. And Its really not my choice, this is promise ya. So, I started my job with aflac out here. and my boss ended up being a little bit on the super not friendly, I never talk to my admin because I dont like her, side. So i basically said, screw that. I found another job that hopefully will be a lot less stressful when it comes time for me to be concerned with school and what not. I am working at apx alarm and it'll be a regular evening schedule so thats good. apparently my roomate likes to watch all sorts of movies, and have alcohol in the house. I mean she's old enough to make her own decisions, but with my going to LDS BC I can't live there. which kinda stinks cuz I don't necessarily want to move. but it will be good to have more storage space and whatev. So I have to move. I changed jobs. Now thats just the start of it. here is my list of tragedies... haha. Last friday it was my last day at aflac and the 42 yr old that manages the office next to ours came over and caught me off gaurd, he asked me to lunch. yea he has 7 kids and the oldest was 20. he could be my father... creepy or creepy. And even after we knew the age difference he threatened to follow me down to provo to date me still.. seriously? ewe. so thats that. the next one really isn't until sunday. now there's a fella that's somewhat caught my interest from church. Lets just say he's interesting. I like talking with him, but he has been rude to me previously so I don't really take him seriously. Well, he sat next to me in sunday school and then in sacrament, he passed the sacrament but when that was through he came and sat next to me. I was a little on the stoked side, but I didn't really read into it too much. well half way through sacrament he gets up and sits next to the girl in front of us. gasp, who does that. I mean at that point I'm thinking, "do i smell" I mean whats another twenty minutes of sitting next to me... I was super offended. (ps. i knew i didn't smell lol) then i get home and I stub my toe, spill my fingernail polish remover on the floor, while trying to open a banana i rip the poor thing in half. monday comes and I lock my keys in my truck and end up having to pay an arm and a leg to get it free. tuesday... my housing plans fall through so I'm homeless in two weeks again. anyways... things just keep happening.

I called my sister today feeling hopeless and i said, " do you ever just think everything crashes to the floor to tell you that your doing something wrong. maybe you should be somewhere else " then she gave me some really good advice basically just saying that she thinks its a test. It reminded me that I need to be more committed and more temperent. Just cuz things get tough you can't go running home to mom. Thats where I think I messed up last time. When I broke up with tyler, i just ran home for comfort. I should've just stayed here. I feel like I might've lost like 2yrs in my life by going home. I did learn some valuable lessons though. and good things came of my going home... anywho. I'm here now and thats all that matters. I need to go to school and stick that out. Then, just go from there...

Here I am, just trying to stay positive.