I stayed up all night last night watching the first season on One Tree Hill. Lame pants? probably- but I was severely entertained! I liked it.
Second- Zach pissed me off. mhm- he made me feel like he thought he was better than me. oh well. He's not.
Today- its beautiful outside. I got home this afternoon and realized that my favorite magazine came in the mail today. Ok, so I am a single 23 year old girl- I love the magazine Real Simple- cleaning and household tips- the most clever thing ever. I am suprisingly domestic for a 23 yr old. Today i realized that I am halfway to 24, and I almost cried. I don't want to grow up- but its happening despite all my efforts to stay a baby :)
So i read my magazine for about an hour- then i went outside and did some yard work! it felt good! Sunny weather + me working = feeling satisfied.
4.10.2010
4.09.2010
negativity
I just started thinking about something that pisses me off and I automatically wanted to blog. Guys, I want to blog when I am happy too- but this is such a good place to vent bc- its not directed at anyone in conversation, and I can just write it all down- so bear with me.
Ok... so I am waiting on this check to come in the mail. And I am unreasonably pissed that my boss from indiana didn't send it the day he said he would- or even the day after, I have been pretty calm about this. Being frustrated with him about this brings up all of my other emotions regarding this guy- I quit working for him for a reason. I am mad at this guy 'cuz he seems like a good guy when you meet him, all smiley and happy and supposedly claims christianity. Well I worked for him for about 8 months and as i got to know him I approved of his character less and less. When you work as someone's assisstant you get to know them fairly well, because its like you're a team.
First off, he's a liar. He lies about all sorts of stuff, right to your face. And he tried to manipulate me into keeping a secret while I worked for him, but that didn't work out so well, since before we had the conversation about me keeping it a secret, I already told one of our coworkers- So I lied to him about keeping it a secret- Lies, really are the worst thing. Secrets are pretty terrible too. I am pretty sure he called me "deceptive" or of something to that nature on the day that I quit... what a freakin' d-bag, someone needs to look in the mirror. Forgive me for looking out for myself.
Secondly, I don't know if people understand what it feels like to be sexually harassed in the workplace- but its a terrible feeling. especially when its your boss and the person that writes your check that's doing it. And most of the time its just you and him in the office together. Its kind of like you feel trapped and obligated to just let it go. I think he touched me inappropriately atleast 6 or 7 times in the the time frame that I worked for him, and I have no idea how many times he made inappropriate comments. I had 3-5 conversations with him about his inapropriate behavior. What is wrong with this guy? Anyways- for taxes he owes me a fair amount of money and I was supposed to get it in the mail at the beginning of this week- and its friday and it hasn't come yet- So I am burning with furiation ( I don't think that's a word but I just made it one ) because I need that money, and because I dislike this man very very much. GRRRRR! Before this guy was my boss I did not trust or talk to grown men, they have always intimidated me- I am pretty sure this guy just made it more difficult to do that.
I know I just Ranted, but c'mon!
About four months ago he sent me an email that asked me how I was doing. that's all it said "how are you?" I didn't reply. I mean to be completely honest the feeling that I got in the pit of my stomach was something to the effect, of fear and absolute disgust. I didn't reply. It was a weird feeling though, I can't really describe it.
Anywho. Men suck.
Good things: I am free from all confusing relationships. Only one more week of classes and I am starting my new job. Its getting warmer outside- slowly but surely. its Friday. I am drinking a diet coke and it tastes like sweet satisfaction. I got my hair cut, and I don't feel like a mushroom head anymore. I feel the presence of God really strongly when I pray recently. The scriptures really are amazing. its exactly 4:20 :) Felipe in my psychology class passed me a note and told me how cool I was today. Good things are happening too, and smiling isn't that difficult.
Twighlight Zone: Everything keeps pointing to Jeremy. Facebook keeps telling me to reconnect with Jeremy Wood. I pass the humane shelter sign on the freeway and they are selling a Kitty with the name Jeremy. The song comes on the radio- I hear his favorite group all the time, and I had never heard of them before him. Its pretty psycho. I dunno what to do with that.
Ok... so I am waiting on this check to come in the mail. And I am unreasonably pissed that my boss from indiana didn't send it the day he said he would- or even the day after, I have been pretty calm about this. Being frustrated with him about this brings up all of my other emotions regarding this guy- I quit working for him for a reason. I am mad at this guy 'cuz he seems like a good guy when you meet him, all smiley and happy and supposedly claims christianity. Well I worked for him for about 8 months and as i got to know him I approved of his character less and less. When you work as someone's assisstant you get to know them fairly well, because its like you're a team.
First off, he's a liar. He lies about all sorts of stuff, right to your face. And he tried to manipulate me into keeping a secret while I worked for him, but that didn't work out so well, since before we had the conversation about me keeping it a secret, I already told one of our coworkers- So I lied to him about keeping it a secret- Lies, really are the worst thing. Secrets are pretty terrible too. I am pretty sure he called me "deceptive" or of something to that nature on the day that I quit... what a freakin' d-bag, someone needs to look in the mirror. Forgive me for looking out for myself.
Secondly, I don't know if people understand what it feels like to be sexually harassed in the workplace- but its a terrible feeling. especially when its your boss and the person that writes your check that's doing it. And most of the time its just you and him in the office together. Its kind of like you feel trapped and obligated to just let it go. I think he touched me inappropriately atleast 6 or 7 times in the the time frame that I worked for him, and I have no idea how many times he made inappropriate comments. I had 3-5 conversations with him about his inapropriate behavior. What is wrong with this guy? Anyways- for taxes he owes me a fair amount of money and I was supposed to get it in the mail at the beginning of this week- and its friday and it hasn't come yet- So I am burning with furiation ( I don't think that's a word but I just made it one ) because I need that money, and because I dislike this man very very much. GRRRRR! Before this guy was my boss I did not trust or talk to grown men, they have always intimidated me- I am pretty sure this guy just made it more difficult to do that.
I know I just Ranted, but c'mon!
About four months ago he sent me an email that asked me how I was doing. that's all it said "how are you?" I didn't reply. I mean to be completely honest the feeling that I got in the pit of my stomach was something to the effect, of fear and absolute disgust. I didn't reply. It was a weird feeling though, I can't really describe it.
Anywho. Men suck.
Good things: I am free from all confusing relationships. Only one more week of classes and I am starting my new job. Its getting warmer outside- slowly but surely. its Friday. I am drinking a diet coke and it tastes like sweet satisfaction. I got my hair cut, and I don't feel like a mushroom head anymore. I feel the presence of God really strongly when I pray recently. The scriptures really are amazing. its exactly 4:20 :) Felipe in my psychology class passed me a note and told me how cool I was today. Good things are happening too, and smiling isn't that difficult.
Twighlight Zone: Everything keeps pointing to Jeremy. Facebook keeps telling me to reconnect with Jeremy Wood. I pass the humane shelter sign on the freeway and they are selling a Kitty with the name Jeremy. The song comes on the radio- I hear his favorite group all the time, and I had never heard of them before him. Its pretty psycho. I dunno what to do with that.
4.08.2010
questions
How can there be just one fit, one right, one way. I'm so so sick of cheap imitation. Is it even fair to cut everything else off when I am so not ready to take steps in a different direction. Isn't it more wrong to keep moving forward without my heart. The questions keep surfacing. The answers never come.
Rushed: first date introductions. "I can't even imagine how beautiful your children will be." meet the family. "My family makes pretty babies, so if you want pretty babies...." hold your hand. "Let's make this offical..." kiss you after every date. Wait, who are you? This has only been one week
I can't really breathe without you. I am moving forward, physically. But emotionally nothings really changed. 5 weeks should've changed things, but it didn't. Maybe if I knew you were done, It'd be easier. crap. all i see is your eyes.
Aside from that:
Absolutely everything is falling apart. I just know that I should keep breathing when everything else comes crashing down. All my plans- nothing has changed but I am so afraid of the future, I hate change.
Rushed: first date introductions. "I can't even imagine how beautiful your children will be." meet the family. "My family makes pretty babies, so if you want pretty babies...." hold your hand. "Let's make this offical..." kiss you after every date. Wait, who are you? This has only been one week
I can't really breathe without you. I am moving forward, physically. But emotionally nothings really changed. 5 weeks should've changed things, but it didn't. Maybe if I knew you were done, It'd be easier. crap. all i see is your eyes.
Aside from that:
Absolutely everything is falling apart. I just know that I should keep breathing when everything else comes crashing down. All my plans- nothing has changed but I am so afraid of the future, I hate change.
4.07.2010
rough day
last night: Took a shower, went out with a boy I think I might have a thing for- he called me baby today. Nobody calls me baby. Open mic night was different than normal, but still good- just a lot less intense.
this morning, I roll out of bed- apparently my hair went into get dirty fast mode and even though I washed it last night, it was gross today- and I felt ultra gross all day at school. I had a final that I don't think I failed, which is good. But I saw casey twice and he seemed to think I was still the finest thing that he's seen, even though I was wearing the hood to my hoodie and no make up. for some reason it made me mad at him.
I felt really ugly all day today. I am pretty sure somedays are just like this, but it was more extensive than normal. And it pissed me off when my friend Tanner told me that i looked good. who are these people?
My FB status was about how my day was rough, my athiest brother said it was God's way of balancing things out. He is reading the bible for the first time right now. The fact that he said it was God's way, made me cry.
I miss jeremy today, and I miss my family.
this morning, I roll out of bed- apparently my hair went into get dirty fast mode and even though I washed it last night, it was gross today- and I felt ultra gross all day at school. I had a final that I don't think I failed, which is good. But I saw casey twice and he seemed to think I was still the finest thing that he's seen, even though I was wearing the hood to my hoodie and no make up. for some reason it made me mad at him.
I felt really ugly all day today. I am pretty sure somedays are just like this, but it was more extensive than normal. And it pissed me off when my friend Tanner told me that i looked good. who are these people?
My FB status was about how my day was rough, my athiest brother said it was God's way of balancing things out. He is reading the bible for the first time right now. The fact that he said it was God's way, made me cry.
I miss jeremy today, and I miss my family.
4.05.2010
flying
I have been getting this sensation lately- like everything is rushing by me, and just for a glimpse- just a split second, I can feel the rush of motion. Its absolutely breathtaking.
I fessed up to an awkward dream today.
I am trying to discover my true emotions about the boy I just started dating, and i really have no freakin' clue what they are.
Angus and Julia Stone = Pretty pretty music :)
i want to take a dating break... that's what I want right now, but is that what I want tomorrow, or the next day? who knows.
I fessed up to an awkward dream today.
I am trying to discover my true emotions about the boy I just started dating, and i really have no freakin' clue what they are.
Angus and Julia Stone = Pretty pretty music :)
i want to take a dating break... that's what I want right now, but is that what I want tomorrow, or the next day? who knows.
4.04.2010
freakin' long weekend, freakin' long blog
So I think I have been so distracted with the drama of Zach that I forgot to think about Jeremy this week as much... interesting huh? Don't worry, I was eventually reminded of him. Yesterday as I was scanning the radio stations looking for conference I stopped on a black eyed peas song, directly following that a Lady Antebellum (sp) song came on, and they are one of Jeremy's fave country groups, so I listened to them, and then as I kept scanning "jeremy" by pearl jam came on. Weird situation huh? Its like even when I am so busy that I can forget- I am reminded by, who? The universe. oh well.
New Boy: So I have hung out with this boy a couple times in settings with a bunch of people, we decided we were attracted to eachother, and he actually asked me to his mission reunion, and I basically told him we could come up with a story and say we have been dating longer than we have. So he definately did that... weird? maybe, but it was better than being introduced and then saying "well this is actually our first official date" lol. So I went, and it was normal, like any other mission reunion I'm sure. Following we went out to chili's with a family that they baptized on the mish, and all the spanish elders went. They all spoke spanish all night, and for someone without formal spanish training, I am pretty sure I knew what was going on atleast 50% of the time. which was good. I really had fun with this kid. We then went on a drive and chatted and then started but did not finish a movie at my house... I finally christened the chair (lol- sarah, I know you are loving this part) We just kissed, we didn't make out. (I also learned later that the chair had previously been christened by another roomate, I was a little sad that it wasn't me)
I officially feel bad for the guys I date now, because I am emotionally unavailable, and the boy that makes me that way is a really good kisser, so they they get compared and I am pretty sure that's not really fair at all. I am convinced that physical affection is going to become a lot less important to me, and my knees will never go weak again. That's probably ok for now.
Also went to conference with this boy on sunday afternoon. Upon realizing that I didn't have an easter dinner to go to he invited me to his, I accepted... so yes, I met the family. No, it wasn't awkward- I kind of love his family- they are a ton like mine. I really really liked his family. I got along with them great. It was really fun.
Old Boy: my severed friendship is slowly but surely getting better I went to the afternoon session of conference on saturday with my bestie, and we scratched eachother's backs... I don't know if that is way too past platonic, but it happened. Then afterwards we went to a really rad bookstore and looked at all sorts of really fun stuff. We were there for almost 2 hours, but it was amazing. After that I took him up to his parents house so he could spend the weekend with his family, and I met his family too. They seemed nice.
I met two families this weekend. I did not mean for this to happen, it just did. And I don't think it means anything with the old boy.
Oldest boy of all: so for April fools Day my ex fiance and I got back together on facebook, and I got a lot of crap about it- and it was highly entertaining. But we stayed in our relationship for 3 days... so yea, it drug on. I was starting to wonder if we were ever going to break up. But we did and I did the dirty work.
updates:
two of my classes end this week so I have 3 final exams this week. 2 papers to write, and a comprehensive journal for my psych class to catch up on... oh boy. Its almost over, I just need to push through the semester!!!
I can't wait until I start work again, it'll be good to have a constant income.
I am processing my aunt's death a lot - going to the temple is kind of awesome - my spirituality is peaking right now, so that's good.
I am tired, I am confused, I am happy.
New Boy: So I have hung out with this boy a couple times in settings with a bunch of people, we decided we were attracted to eachother, and he actually asked me to his mission reunion, and I basically told him we could come up with a story and say we have been dating longer than we have. So he definately did that... weird? maybe, but it was better than being introduced and then saying "well this is actually our first official date" lol. So I went, and it was normal, like any other mission reunion I'm sure. Following we went out to chili's with a family that they baptized on the mish, and all the spanish elders went. They all spoke spanish all night, and for someone without formal spanish training, I am pretty sure I knew what was going on atleast 50% of the time. which was good. I really had fun with this kid. We then went on a drive and chatted and then started but did not finish a movie at my house... I finally christened the chair (lol- sarah, I know you are loving this part) We just kissed, we didn't make out. (I also learned later that the chair had previously been christened by another roomate, I was a little sad that it wasn't me)
I officially feel bad for the guys I date now, because I am emotionally unavailable, and the boy that makes me that way is a really good kisser, so they they get compared and I am pretty sure that's not really fair at all. I am convinced that physical affection is going to become a lot less important to me, and my knees will never go weak again. That's probably ok for now.
Also went to conference with this boy on sunday afternoon. Upon realizing that I didn't have an easter dinner to go to he invited me to his, I accepted... so yes, I met the family. No, it wasn't awkward- I kind of love his family- they are a ton like mine. I really really liked his family. I got along with them great. It was really fun.
Old Boy: my severed friendship is slowly but surely getting better I went to the afternoon session of conference on saturday with my bestie, and we scratched eachother's backs... I don't know if that is way too past platonic, but it happened. Then afterwards we went to a really rad bookstore and looked at all sorts of really fun stuff. We were there for almost 2 hours, but it was amazing. After that I took him up to his parents house so he could spend the weekend with his family, and I met his family too. They seemed nice.
I met two families this weekend. I did not mean for this to happen, it just did. And I don't think it means anything with the old boy.
Oldest boy of all: so for April fools Day my ex fiance and I got back together on facebook, and I got a lot of crap about it- and it was highly entertaining. But we stayed in our relationship for 3 days... so yea, it drug on. I was starting to wonder if we were ever going to break up. But we did and I did the dirty work.
updates:
two of my classes end this week so I have 3 final exams this week. 2 papers to write, and a comprehensive journal for my psych class to catch up on... oh boy. Its almost over, I just need to push through the semester!!!
I can't wait until I start work again, it'll be good to have a constant income.
I am processing my aunt's death a lot - going to the temple is kind of awesome - my spirituality is peaking right now, so that's good.
I am tired, I am confused, I am happy.
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