letter that I can't send

It's 2:00. I just finished talking with Mandy and we talked about you and we talked about a lot of other things, but I feel more connected with family after my conversation with her. Dang, I love you guys so much! What I want to tell you tonight, I know is just going to be understood between you and me. Because Rosie doesn't experience these sorts of things I don't think, and I know my mom does, but I am not sure if she can right now. Really, strangly, since your death I have felt more connected with you. I feel like you probably get both sides of things. You know a lot of the things that I know now, probably a ton more actually. But I think maybe you understand what I am thinking. And I'm not sure if any one else does right now. See, I am not mad at you. I am not mad that you're gone. I will miss you. And it makes me sad that my family is sad. But really, I think they are sad mostly because they don't understand. I think if they understood they would be ok too. You and I both know they aren't ok. See you're not here anymore, and I live so far away that I don't feel like I am here anymore either. does that make sense? to a point that I don't feel like I can make an impact. I am frustrated, because I have so much to share, and so much to say- but even when I start, it feels like their spirits aren't really ready. I went to a mission prep class on sunday and it talked about how you have to simplify everything, how you have to feed babies milk before meat. I know its true. Mandy might have been intoxicated when we were talking. that I do not know. all I know is I hope she heard what I said. I know there is a lot of messed up doctrine when it comes to suicide out there. And don't get me wrong, I know you're probably fixing a lot of stuff right now. But I know you have the opportunity. I don't want anyone that we love to think otherwise, cuz that is out of the question.
see I feel a lot of different kinds of things tonight when I think deep about this. I think about how many people love you. And I think maybe you had gotten yourself to a place that you couldn't process the love that was given to you- its like you forgot how to feel it. That's kinda what happens when you get discouraged. But we did love you. and we did appreciate you, and we did think about you. But I get where you were- and some people think its selfish, and it kind of is, but you have to ask yourself- the people that condemn this- have they felt anything of that kind of pain at all? have they ever been that sad, or felt that alone? My guess is they probably haven't and thats ok. Its actually really good- but sometimes it makes me sad that just because people haven't experienced something, they don't have the ability to share grace on it. people and their opinions. who cares what they say- they obviously don't get it, and since they don't get it, they don't matter. I think I learned a lot about the atonement, I learned a lot about God's capacity to love. And its unbelieveably huge. I can't really explain these things, because they are bigger than words.
You are wonderful- you still are, and I will see you when I get up there- and we'll be able to talk about all of these things, and I will be ready for it. I feel a really big pull to share what I know. But I don't know when, and I don't know how... but it'll happen. I know that much. I think I can't just go home now and tell them, because I haven't fully worked everything out yet- I haven't fully processed your passing, and I haven't intellectually understood everything that went on physcially, mentally/ emotionally, and spiritually. All I know is that i am here, and you are there. And I will try my best to stay in touch... I've been really bad about doing what I should lately. I need to write about this more. I'll get better and you'll help me figure out what to say. I know you will. And it will make a difference, and things will change. I know they will. I don't know if this is the doorway to my missionary work, and I don't know exactly what we are supposed to do. But it'll get figured out. and it'll be good.
Love,
Dianna