ka-harma

I hate it. you know. how when you do something there is always consequences. when you don't put in the work you don't get the glory. when you fall short of motivation's necessity. I guess I'm one of those people- u know with that, whatever it is, potential- but 30% of the time I wake up and I just feel dead inside- Does everyone else go through that? I'm amazing, I'm terrible, or I'm dead. Usually dead surrounds terrible, it precedes and proceeds. Can I get a little understanding- or is it just my immense immaturity- that when my body hurts, when I feel gluh! I don't push myself. Do normal people push themselves? Does everyone get this way but just make themselves go! all the time- and really, is 48 hrs on the weekend enough to really revive a person. I'm convinced that I could sleep 10 hrs a day and still wake up absolutely exhausted...

..."are you alright? I can stand up straight. are you alright? Can you get me off your mind?"

And why, why does college have to kill a person. I really only work 20 hrs a week, and I really only have 13 credit hours- why am I so freakin' dead? Maybe its because I'm not depending enough upon what's important. Maybe its because I'm still not taking all the "me time" I need, even though now I spend $120 a month just for the convenience of it.

I hate me, because lets be honest. I love talking to people. I love people. I hate movies because it removes the talking. I hate being quiet when I don't have to. I hate sitting in silence and reading unless its useless reading. I hate homework. I hate school. I hate the fact that Zach and I are perfect and not back together. I hate that I can't feel balanced. I hate estrogen. I HATE that i'm 2 weeks early, I just wanted a freakin' break. I dislike that I have pmdd, which makes like three times as hard as its supposed to be.

What I want: just like in the movie garden state- in the end of the movie when the three main characters are standing on a back hoe, in garbage bags to protect them from the rain, right close to the ravine, when then all just give up at the end of their shenanigans and they all just scream.

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I need that moment after a good break down, but I just can't seem to get the sensation, no matter how much I cry- how much I scream- I'm sick of swallowing the lump. I'm unsatisfied. I'm disappointed. I'm hurt. take me or leave me, but for the sake of all things beautiful, figure it out.