shameless

Sometimes I am positive that all I ever do is grovel.
a groveler, a settler, a take what I can get kind of girl.

I'm bigger and better than that I know. I had one of the most intense spiritual experiences of my life. My entire world was turned upside down. All of my plans changed- and now, I'm here to replan, reschedule, rebuild the awesomeness that's infront of me.

He says I can have it, I can have it all- I just have to work for it, and its time to start believing in happily ever afters- so I will. I'll figure out something to write about- I'll figure out some songs to sing and I will build an empire. an empire of records.

I always knew that something set me a part- I just wasn't quite sure what it is. now I know.
the time for gratitude is now- gratitude will change everything. I'm sure of it.

Dontchu just love reading my blogs and knowing there's so much detail that you have no idea as to what it is- and your missing some pretty big pieces. don't worry, you're not the only one missing some pieces :)

I am..

I am not defined by my past or what I've seen. My perceptions are yes, molded by that- but the colors that collaborate to make me who I am come from something completely different. I am defined by my choices. I am defined by my words and my actions. Who I am is what I put on everyday- the outfits, the assecories, the things I say.- These things are who I am. I start everyday new building from the bottom up.

I am far from home, and home yes creates a foundation for my views - but I am human enough to change according to things I learn.
What I love isn't due to my genetics. What I love is due to what I have asked to be surrounded by. I love life. I love it when the sun shines through the small green leaves of spring. I love when my heart is filled with contentment and I can feel God in all his majesty.

I am beautiful, powerful, and free. and I can do this, I can let go. its possible for me not to be completely destroyed by this. I can continue moving forward. I can keep painting, singing, moving, growing, and breathing. That's the key right... to just keep breathing.

It seems to me that maybe pretty much always means no

I don't even feel like I can express myself- because whatever I write makes me feel more pathetic than how I already feel. I've been playing guitar more than I have in the past- its totally a good thing- I hope I get better at it by the end of the summer. I plan on sleeping until atleast noon tomorrow, and hope to goodness nothing wakes me up before hand.

My knees are actually weak- I honestly can't breath. Physical proof that something shitty is going on in my heart. Love. I freakin' hate love. Because when I produce it there's a fault on the receiving end of things- almost always. and when my receiver is working, my producer quits- why?

you lied- twice. Once about what you want, and once about the fact that you could do that. You've failed. and I am trying to be humble enough not to fight it and try to keep you here. Why can't I just let you walk away- I gotta gotta gotta let you walk away.

I gotta watch you walk away- shut down this heart, shut down these feelings, hopes, and memories.

Tonight was a waste of pretty- lame bonfire- sick bff. home by eleven. good thing I got ready.

you'd know

I guess you'd know when I wasn't myself.
I guess you'd feel that I'm different then usual.
I guess you'd sense that my body is tense and holding something in.
I supposed you'd notice the moisture about my cheeks as you pull away from my lips.
Sometimes, we hold in what we feel but it comes out in different ways.
when you say, "dianna? what's going on? tell me."
I say, "no."
mostly beccause I was afraid. afraid to admit the truth, afraid to see things differently than what we said. afraid to be deeper in than I ever thought I'd let myself go. I can't believe I let myself get here. eruptive mudslides and volcanoes haunt my dreams. getting stuck and seeing you without words. protecting you, and thinking- why are you so far from me? I suppose its only 5 or so days.
Its funny how I can see other people, I can like other people, but my heart is so far removed from the situation. who knows where I am right now. I about drove off of the road a couple different times this week just thinking about you. How did I connect with you, you've changed me forever- nothing is like you. no one can match you. - its frustrating.

wow

My heart has been running rampant. The state of mind that creates curiosity is where I have been permanently stuck, reaching for ladders, ropes and hopes. Nothing seems to work to change the status of where I've been. Give me freedom- six days until liberty- until my mind will come to peace, like the quiet after a great storm. A storm that lasted 8 weeks far too long.

You come into my life just as the eye of the storm passes, to rescue this battered beated and bruised body- to call me baby, to reach inside this hollow piece to sweep for warmth and catching my last slight of life. As we sit under a blosssoming tree exchanging stories and spirits, something changed and then the feeling in the pit of my stomach came. ouch- what is this punishment? what is this fear? I'd hope for something different, I'd hope for ease, and I'd hope for courage.

guh... this must be where the roadforks.

full of it

I don't want to blog anymore because I feel like all I ever do is bitch and moan.

Good things: stayed up until 5 am playing games and laughing. ate an ice cream cone today :) the sun was shining and I was driving with the windows rolled down and the music turned up. I think that zach and I might finally be better. I am done with classes this semester! We had a lesson on God's love in my final class on campus today and here is my deep thought: If God is love, and we fill ourselves up with love, enough to be considered love, That is when we become a God.

Things I want/ am looking forward to: I want to read a lot this summer. I want to learn a lot this summer. I want to practice guitar a lot this summer. I want to exercise a lot this summer and get into better cardio shape. I cannot wait to get started in my job and be really good at it. I plan on being the best and making a ton of money in referral bonuses. I want to find balance this summer- spiritual balance, financial balance, and physical balance. I think I am ready to grow up. (pretty sure I can still have fun if I am grown up)

I just realized that I forgot about a choir performance tonight- but I don't think it was a mandetory one.

what's up: I threatened Bern with reporting him to the IRS, he said he was going to overnight the check either today or tomorrow. If I don't have it by Monday I am calling the government. I don't feel attractive in my short hair anymore, I want my long hair back. I am scared to be friends with Zach, lets be honest, I am pretty sure we both still have feelings for eachother, and not clouding those lines will be difficult. I told josh I think he's attractive and he told me to take a number (d-bag?) I met a boy last night named david and he fessed up to wanting to kiss me. I miss jeremy more than ever. I daydream about coming home and him being here. I want to visit my family pretty intensly. I want to meet my neice and hug EVERYONE!

finals week

Yea, just three more days and my classes will be over. Too bad I am finished right now as it is. There is something about the end of the semester that creates insomnia, and a sense of carelessness.

just keep breathing- echoes my new motto.

apparently when people shove me out of their lives I am supposed to text them all the juicy updates on my love life- because if I don't, then that means i am keeping secrets and being deceptive. Really? He says that I have done a fantastic job of turning his life upside down the last couple months- I'm so proud that I get to take all the credit for his life's stresses. why put all your energy/ thought into me anyways?

Why am I so silly to confide in someone that I don't know that well?

I hate depending on people who are undependable. Its annoying.