better

sometimes I'm thinking our trains just get derailed for a second but we have the ability to jump back on the tracks, and that's probably what just happened.

everything happens for a reason right? I think so. Coming out here and getting my Mom back- was probably the most important thing that I've done in a while- I love her so much. today we were talking about her antique dishes- a couple years ago when she was in her fog she said "I think I'm just going to throw these things away" and I convinced her not to- today she said "these are so pretty, I should put them out" and I said, "ya, a couple of years ago you were going to throw them away, but I talked ya out of it" and she said "well boy, you're just saving me from all sorts of distruction" and it hit me... I am. I'm doing something worth it- even if I just got mom to start going back to church- and planting seeds with my siblings- something good will come of this summer, and I see the fruit that my work is bearing. with all that said- I feel a pull for utah again- maybe its because I can't find a job in indiana, or its the fact that I know I need to go back to zach and back to school- I dunno.

somethings tearing us apart

you had a dream that we were fighting goblins and we went into a castle for safety.
i can't dream.
you have ridiculous amounts of stress in your life, but you won't talk to me about it, and you won't talk to me about anything right now.
i feel like I smother you- we talk once a day and all we do is report- we don't talk. we list things that happened. its pointless.
you say lets just write letters for a couple days so you can have more control over your tone and what you say.
i say i feel like i'm losing you.
you say sexual things, and sometimes it makes me feel like a piece.
... this distance thing really sucks.

up up update!!!

SO... if you're wondering how good ole indiana is, its your lucky day because I am going to tell you all about it. Let's get the bitter out the way so that we can savor the sweet!

I miss zach like crazy- there are daddy long legs everywhere- A social life outside of my family would be nice- and... I really really need a job because daytime tv just isn't that interesting! ;)

Good news is this: my mom is already making huge strides in the right direction- pretty sure she's going to be a full fledged mormon in a couple months! I've only been here like 5 days and I can already see progression! Talking about the commandments and how repentance really works is kind of amazing. I totally love my savior Jesus Christ, he makes a lot of really awesome things possible- and he makes a lot of crappy things a lot less crappy.

The midwest is more beautiful and greener than ever! I've been running twice this week. I've went swimming. I've laid and read a book under the tree's in the hammock. Its been vacationesque if nothing else. Meeting my neice Annabelle was absolutely incredible- she is the sweetest baby in the whole wide world. Warren, my nephew is cooler than ever- he has 4 teeth and can take 2 steps all on his own. Love 'em! Spending times with my siblings is absolutely priceless! I love my family more than words can describe. I feel blessed to have this mission and responsibility! Love my life that i'm living in!

welp friends, that's your update. I love and miss my Salt Lakers- can't wait to get a hug from each of you.

mucho love!

motor boats

can I just say... I've been pretty dang happy lately- and happiness usually means being busy, and being busy usually means less blogs.

things with zach are going far better than what I had ever imagined- I have fallen in love with my best friend- and I'm not sure that that happens very often with people- We've decided to stay together over the summer even though I am moving home to Indiana for a bit.

ps. I am really excited to see my family- and so spend time just loving them.

so I was going to play open mic night tomorrow at moes but I practiced tonight and I don't feel performance ready... and I used to perform all the time, so i am aware of my potential and when I am ready and when I am not. and I'm not. I feel kinda bored with the songs I'm singing too... so I feel like maybe the audience will get bored too. dang.

motorboats.

wtf?

So Its day two of Zach's camping trip with his guy friends and I think I might die because I miss him. I'm asking myself this question- how am I going to survive an entire summer without him, if I can barely manage 2 days? He comes home tomorrow afternoon, and i am pretty lit up about it.

Tonight from a house on top of a mountain I watched the sun set over the marshy salt lake and the reflection of city lights bounced back. it was nothing short of breath taking.

Today I again realized what I am about to do in 2.5 weeks and I was recharged with excitment for the mission that is mine- dang- life is good. I still don't know how everything is going to work out- all I know is that it will. today the speakers in sacrament kept echoing the same thing- just put your trust in God, he will deliver. I believe it.

secrets as of late

freak. I'm in love with zach. I'm not talking a little side road love. I'm talking a 6 lane northbound highway.
we walk park pathways, stop to watch ducks and kiss under street lamps- play hide and seek at the fountain and stop to listen to the birds at the top of the hill. pretty sure no one has it this good. I'm more in love with zach than I've ever been in love with anyone- he is the rocket to my booster, and the nature of our relationship even sometimes makes me sick, because we are the cutest.
I was going to be moving home on the 2nd of June- but it looks like I will be staying until the 16th because I was unable to sell my lease and I need to finish out my two weeks at work and pick up my last paycheck.
trying to make sense of why I can't be in a relationship with zach while I am at home is probably the most difficult mental challenge that I'm facing
(ps. the reason that I am even available to write this blog is because we took a night apart and he is in moab with his guy friends)
I miss my friend Gabi. I will hang with her soon I am sure.
I just imported like 5 gigs of music onto my itunes...
So my mom is sick, apparently her liver is inflamed and she has mono- and yes it worries me, but its gotten her to stop drinking and she is cutting out the smoking- sometimes I think God just makes her sick so she will obey his commandments- I don't know what this summer is going to offer for her. But I really really just want to live with my mom and figure everything else out after I get there. I got into a somewhat larger fight with my sister Rosie- because Rose thinks that I can't live with mom when she is sick- and is trying to make me live with her and Josh- but then make me feel guilty because they are doing me a favor- suck my big toe. I'd rather take care of mom.
I look forward to : practicing guitar- reading books- laying on the deck to the pool- cuddling with my Tigger Kitty Kat!- Afternoon jogs in Indiana Humidity mmmh!- and chit chatting with President T.

freak life is good right now, so good.

crying for my losses

yea, I almost am too happy to be sad right now, almost too satisfied to realize that I lost some things.

its ok though- because I'm gaining too, and I see that. and there's this moment in life- when you realize, finally all the bad stuff if over- finally I've come around this bend and life can only be good from here on out.

so after 5 months of loving someone that didn't love me back I put my head down for the sec, turned around and when I looked up after just a couple steps there was someone waiting there with arms wide open ready to love me- and I am pretty positive that no one is ever that lucky. I understand what there is to be grateful for.
Its ok though- and even if he did love me back, he won't admit it, and any guy who doesn't fight for it, isn't a guy that's worth it in the end.

I'm ready to begin the journey to my happy ending. I am ready to listen to the spirit of God, and follow his path undeniably- I'm ready to just listen and obey- because I trust that he will put the right people in my path at the right time, and If I work at what is before me- if I do what I know I need to- only good things can come to pass in the end. I understand that everything isn't rainbows and sunshine, because with out the rain- the sunshine couldn't make a ranbow. I know that much.

in all things there must be a compound- they knew that 600 yrs before christ came- I know that too.

its just not gonna be so bad anymore.

Its tough when you lose a family member, when someone dies and you don't just feel your pain, but you feel the pain of everyone else that this loss has effected- when you care about people, their pain becomes your pain. and its difficult- but its not impossible, because Jesus Christ is our Savior and he loves us, and he gave us a option the give the hurt and the pain away- he gave us that choice, and all we need to do is trust him and hand it over.