Believe me, He doesn't want Jello.

This week has been insane.
I started my new schedule of classes and met all my instructors- I like them all, which is surprising. I'm only taking 4 classes- but I'm working like 25 hrs a week- so I feel like that's a fair balance when trying to keep everything in check. I'm taking: English 201, Art History, Music Appreciation, and Intro to Law. I'm pretty stoked to have started my program this semester. I feel like its going to be really intense but really worth it- I read five pages of case notes thursday during my travels- I learned like 5 or six new words, which was cool. Vocab is kind of an intense thing, when getting into your career- learning the lingo and all the jargon that has to do with different aspects of law.
I worked my new schedule- which meant that I was in the office by 8 every morning doing contracts and files. Full time on Tues and Thurs.
I did a some service and it felt good to give back a little.
By mid week I caught the flu... which was stupid- and I'm getting rid of the worst of it right now. Which means my weekend has been pretty uneventful.
This week was a fog- it went fast.

blurried images of remembrance. looking past further than just the past couple hours. wishing I could just turn off my brain and sleep rather than think. scrolling through images of the past year- phasing from one level of life to the next. Working harder these days to keep things in place. glancing down at my roots from time to time is a good reminder that I'm still touching the soil and the grainy rich dirt squishes between my pale girl toes. walking orchard paths barefoot with a lovers conversation as companion. sun shines brightly and as I look up to catch a glimpse of his brown eyes and sharp cheek bones, I can only look for a second because the brightness forces these lids shut.

I had that dream this week.

Something still haunt me, wishing they wouldn't I sing 'em pray 'em out.

"I wake up exhausted- its not morning. Its back to sleep- to redreaming"- Tegan & Sara

Juxtaposition

This morning I wanted to get more accomplished than I did. But after that I saw painting after painting of Christ at the Museum of Art at BYU. My heart is swollen with his incomparable example.
Spent that time with the future In-laws. They're nice. We need to get more experiences to become familiar with one another. It was good to see their perspective on Christ, on art, and on history.
I went to Kimmy and Micah's viewing today as well. My heart hurts. Their story is so tragic. I don't understand all things. I don't get why the day after their engagement they had to die. I don't get why they died on Christmas. I don't get why. The only thing I can say is, at least they are together. She was in her wedding gown.
The little girl I used to nanny for- it was her birthday party tonight. It was a difficult mood switch. We roller skated. I love her so much. She's my little bonnie boo.
today my heart was full of a lot of different thoughts and feelings. I dunno but I felt a lot of love, and a lot of hurt. Letting that hurt be overcome with love is the secret.

So full.

So I'll be waking up in five hours and I'm honestly not ready to sleep. Today has been the ultimate.
Last night I had a couple come to Jesus moments. There are a couple of reasons I express my faith. First is less meaningful than the second. First, I express it because it's how I think. And its only natural to express your thoughts. Second, because I am not ashamed of it. I love God. Through all my imperfection- though there be many, in my weakened state I depend on God for all that I am, and I hope that between my honest efforts and his graces someday I might be able to stand righteously before my maker and be judged- hoping that I've expressed that love to a point that maybe, just hopefully somehow, someone else might be inspired for a quick moment. No where do I say that my efforts are large or impressive- only honest. The day I shut my mouth about my beliefs is the day my mouth doesn't work anymore- because it is central to who I am. Does this make me better? No. If anything it shows my weakness- because I can't do it without him.
I have a really good idea where I would be if it weren't for my faith. Probably exactly where I was when I was 18. Barely touching the soil.
More about how today was the ultimate. I saw light in a lovers face. Over and over and over again. If there is anything more satisfactory please tell me. I didn't put that light there. Someone else did. Seeing others exercise their faith and living in the big shoes of their potential makes my heart feel full. Watching others bear truth and seeing the light shine off of them is the most inspiring to me. Seeing how as individuals we're all loved in our fallen state- and how we each have a call that says, "So and so, my son or daughter, I love you. You were created by me. You are mine and I am yours. This is what I will do. Will you please give me your life? Will you please show me that you love me, too?"
Today I sipped hot cocoa with my best friend. Today I had story time with my best friend. Today i laughed and cried at that story with my best friend. Today I understood why bad days are worth it. I feel grateful for it all.
Why I'll express my gratitude - because someone once told me that unexpressed gratitude isn't gratitude at all.
I have one of the coolest Roomies in the world- her name is Katie. She's quickly becoming one of my closest friends. We watched the cheesy Mormon version of pride and prejudice. I realized that it has a lot of the same actors as Moving McAllister- and so Moving McAllister must be done my members. Interesting.
Guitar... oh how you're a challenge to me- But I figure if I dedicate enough time to you, someday i won't be ashamed of how I play.
Finishing the book that I started with my best friend. Goodness gracious. My eyes are opened. Growing up ruins everything. Seriously.
All good things are unseen.
Finished off the day with thoughts of whether dinosaurs roamed the earth- and if so when... and then a debate on whether or not robots have the potential to be real life or not. I proposed that they do not.

Love love lover... daydreaming ten year plans and realizing that those things can come to life.

I want you like kids want snow days and fog delays...

My Diet

sometimes, it takes the right person to say something to us before we can recognize it as truth, or good advice, or reality.

I have the best big sister in the whole world- why? because she's honest with me to a fault. because she lays it out straight in love and kindness. Because she's kind of like my mother- and she pretty much raised me. But She's my best friend. She took care of me. And she's not afraid to say that in teaching me she made mistakes of too much soft love. How could she have such a big heart for me?

self realizations- like anytime change, or growth occurs it hurts. When you're a fat kid and the kids at school taunt you and call you fat and tease you out of hate- it hurts. But it doesn't change the fact that you're fat- and you've gotta lose the weight because its not healthy. Right?Sometimes fat, or fault hides what's good, and what God gives us. So you've gotta work freakin' hard. You have to change your habits. You've gotta change you mind. (I've gotta change my mind)

the words of truth are hard against all uncleanness. <>

Does this justify the mean kids at school? because I mean, they do help you realize to some degree that you need to change, but they tear you down to do it. I don't know. But it also doesn't justify refusing truth, either.

Why I write: Its the one thing I've got to clear my head.

I wrote a poem when I was a senior in high school- it defined me in weakness and strength, in my lack and my rich. It was called I am... and it wasn't all good- but it wasn't all bad either.

Sometimes wisdom is accepting that you're wrong- but not stopping there. Then, fixing it.

I had a hard time the last couple of months. The cool thing about having trials is how we're taught through them.

I feel so grateful to know. I feel undeserving of his graces. I feel excited for putting forth effort, and for meeting somewhere in the middle. I feel blessed in the atonement. It feels awesome to know where I'm from, and for what purpose I was made. I'm grateful that I have a lifetime to mix all the experience and trial, change, and growth. Because it takes that long to put in all your effort. I'm grateful for the opportunity to learn. I'm grateful for the opportunity to diet.

Cover me.

judge me. here i am.

"so the next one came with a bag of treats- she smelled like sugar, and spoke like the sea. She told me don't trust them, trust me. She pulled at my stitches one by one, checked out my insides clicking her tonque and said this will all have to come undone" - missy higgins

I'm living. I'm breathing. I'm walking and dealing like the rest.

unhealthy

ugh. I hate unhealthy associations. when you try to make things right and they go out of their way to hurt you... what is that? Why?

I don't get it, and then they give you a guilt trip.

After the abuse that I took before, after dealing with it all before, after forgiving it all before- they call me selfish? for what- because I won't take their crap anymore. Because I won't let them tear me down and take me for all I'm worth. Sorry mister... its not my style to take it. Its not my style for you to mock what I believe.

I regret you.

I wish I could erase that part.

I regret the chances, after chances, after chances that I give to see if you'll be respectful then.

But nope. you fall short.

Past: go away.

So is it wrong to cut unhealthy associations? I dunno. I is right to keep yourself in a place that you have to deal with things that are repeatedly hurtful and offensive? I think the only option is to protect yourself from everything that will tear you away from what is good.

I think keeping the storm out keeps you strong enough, there's no need in standing under a lightning pole and expecting to be kept safe.

I don't want people to lash out for my choices of protection.

stop acting like a snake that was cut in half, don't strike me now.

shake it off. shake it off. shake it off. shake it off.

if you think this is about you, chances are its not.

I cannot

NO. no.

Let me live my happily ever after, please! I asked you before with tears in my eyes and you ignored my request and took what you could. Please! remember what I asked you.

Please, understand that your future is not here.

I received this council from a Branch President Once:

In your young adult years you will take many paths and try many things. you will wiggle in and out of a lot of situations. A lot of things will not work out. But one thing will. And when that one thing does hold on to it.

Please understand that I've found my one thing and there is another place set specifically for you when you're ready for it. Divinely set aside for your nature.

I cannot say its ok for the heart of my future to be split with you. Because that's inappropriate and not the way that God intended. So please- depend on God and trust him. because he will show you.