crying for my losses

yea, I almost am too happy to be sad right now, almost too satisfied to realize that I lost some things.

its ok though- because I'm gaining too, and I see that. and there's this moment in life- when you realize, finally all the bad stuff if over- finally I've come around this bend and life can only be good from here on out.

so after 5 months of loving someone that didn't love me back I put my head down for the sec, turned around and when I looked up after just a couple steps there was someone waiting there with arms wide open ready to love me- and I am pretty positive that no one is ever that lucky. I understand what there is to be grateful for.
Its ok though- and even if he did love me back, he won't admit it, and any guy who doesn't fight for it, isn't a guy that's worth it in the end.

I'm ready to begin the journey to my happy ending. I am ready to listen to the spirit of God, and follow his path undeniably- I'm ready to just listen and obey- because I trust that he will put the right people in my path at the right time, and If I work at what is before me- if I do what I know I need to- only good things can come to pass in the end. I understand that everything isn't rainbows and sunshine, because with out the rain- the sunshine couldn't make a ranbow. I know that much.

in all things there must be a compound- they knew that 600 yrs before christ came- I know that too.

its just not gonna be so bad anymore.

Its tough when you lose a family member, when someone dies and you don't just feel your pain, but you feel the pain of everyone else that this loss has effected- when you care about people, their pain becomes your pain. and its difficult- but its not impossible, because Jesus Christ is our Savior and he loves us, and he gave us a option the give the hurt and the pain away- he gave us that choice, and all we need to do is trust him and hand it over.

?

I am just wondering this: why, when such good things are happening, am I so pissed off today?



I'm pissed because I have to get a doctors note from missing work this week, so I have to spend money on the doctor, when I am losing money just by not working. Its my own fault, but still- I guess I'm pissed at myself for not going in today.



I'm upset because Zach's friend sarah made a joke about our relationship on facebook. - f that and the fact that she and I had a convo that was confidential and back in march she told zach some things that I said and caused a huge fight between us. I hate it when other people medle in my frienships/ relationships.



I'm annoyed that Jeremy and I were going to hang out- but his dad is in town and he can't now, but he wants to next week- I just wanted to see him tonight and get my closure so I don't have to worry about it anymore- and mend our frienship. that's all I wanted. and I'm annoyed that when he text me I quit breathing/ my heart stopped beating- why? I just don't get my heart and the way it works.



why can't i just shut my head off and be happy. Why do I have to process everything so scrupulously? I don't want to think, I don't want to feel, I don't want to plan. I just want to drive. is that a sin?



I gotta process it though. like why I am where I am... I'm pretty sure its because I realized how retarded I was for not being with someone who is everything that's really important to me, and that I care about a ton, and would have me- why would I not be in a relationship with this person?



a big part of me just wants to take my paycheck on friday and move back to indiana then- but... I have another month of rent on my agreement, and I haven't sold that yet.

I hate being an adult. Parts are good. But some parts of being a grown up really really suck.



like that ben folds song- still fighting it.





"everybody knows it sucks to grow up, and everybody does- its so weird to be back here, and lemme tell you what, the years go on- we're still fighting it, you're so much like me, I am sorry"



zach does this thing at the end of his texts sometimes :) luvs- honestly it makes me think of diapers. why? because that's a diaper brand.

:)

my best friend is my boyfriend- its awesome.

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sometimes we confuse what we want and what we need- I'm going to say that that happens way more often then one would guess.

zach is my very very best friend and I'm pretty positive I can put my head on his shoulder and bask in the moonlight any night of the week I want. I'm pretty lucky.

and I'm not just doing this as back up, and I'm not just doing this because its convenient. I'm doing this because its awesome and it feels so freakin right. I'm doing this because in between snooze buttons in the morning I can dream of him. I'm thinking he gets me, and I've never been gotten before. its nice.

shameless

Sometimes I am positive that all I ever do is grovel.
a groveler, a settler, a take what I can get kind of girl.

I'm bigger and better than that I know. I had one of the most intense spiritual experiences of my life. My entire world was turned upside down. All of my plans changed- and now, I'm here to replan, reschedule, rebuild the awesomeness that's infront of me.

He says I can have it, I can have it all- I just have to work for it, and its time to start believing in happily ever afters- so I will. I'll figure out something to write about- I'll figure out some songs to sing and I will build an empire. an empire of records.

I always knew that something set me a part- I just wasn't quite sure what it is. now I know.
the time for gratitude is now- gratitude will change everything. I'm sure of it.

Dontchu just love reading my blogs and knowing there's so much detail that you have no idea as to what it is- and your missing some pretty big pieces. don't worry, you're not the only one missing some pieces :)

I am..

I am not defined by my past or what I've seen. My perceptions are yes, molded by that- but the colors that collaborate to make me who I am come from something completely different. I am defined by my choices. I am defined by my words and my actions. Who I am is what I put on everyday- the outfits, the assecories, the things I say.- These things are who I am. I start everyday new building from the bottom up.

I am far from home, and home yes creates a foundation for my views - but I am human enough to change according to things I learn.
What I love isn't due to my genetics. What I love is due to what I have asked to be surrounded by. I love life. I love it when the sun shines through the small green leaves of spring. I love when my heart is filled with contentment and I can feel God in all his majesty.

I am beautiful, powerful, and free. and I can do this, I can let go. its possible for me not to be completely destroyed by this. I can continue moving forward. I can keep painting, singing, moving, growing, and breathing. That's the key right... to just keep breathing.

It seems to me that maybe pretty much always means no

I don't even feel like I can express myself- because whatever I write makes me feel more pathetic than how I already feel. I've been playing guitar more than I have in the past- its totally a good thing- I hope I get better at it by the end of the summer. I plan on sleeping until atleast noon tomorrow, and hope to goodness nothing wakes me up before hand.

My knees are actually weak- I honestly can't breath. Physical proof that something shitty is going on in my heart. Love. I freakin' hate love. Because when I produce it there's a fault on the receiving end of things- almost always. and when my receiver is working, my producer quits- why?

you lied- twice. Once about what you want, and once about the fact that you could do that. You've failed. and I am trying to be humble enough not to fight it and try to keep you here. Why can't I just let you walk away- I gotta gotta gotta let you walk away.

I gotta watch you walk away- shut down this heart, shut down these feelings, hopes, and memories.

Tonight was a waste of pretty- lame bonfire- sick bff. home by eleven. good thing I got ready.