Getting it out.

I haven't had a real night's sleep in over a month. I'm sick with the flu- my body aches from head to toe. I push myself with work and school and maintaining a relationship that's headed toward one of the bigger commitments in my life. I depend on God for everything that I'm doing. He makes it possible for me to survive. My personal nature is what I'm concerned about. My imperfection and my lack of motivation. I'm frustrated with myself. Because I go through these phases where I cultivate and I start working things and great opportunities and great things come to pass, but in the moment prior to the actual success I fall short. I get tired or sick, or just lose interest. How can I, this woman that I am, who God created me to be- so full of life and greatness- how can I fall short, how can I not throw myself into things... I hate what I'm doing right now... falling into the trap that October usually brings. Its setting in- this super sluggish, unable to move person. I shut down every year about this time. Its only been cloudy for two or three days- but I can already feel it. I can already sense it. Which is weird... because the grays are beautiful- and the crisp moisture in the air is refreshing, and the golden leaves on the trees are breathtaking- and Zach, he's so wonderful that I just don't deserve him. Why do I close off and question every aspect of my life this time of year? Why is survival mode what I have to kick into to make getting through it possible. Damn you season depression.

Sheer reliance on God. This is what I must do.

so much clearer

I see what he wants from me. Its beautiful. I almost want to shy away from standing in those shoes. They seem like someone more than me should fill. Only I know they were formed to fit me. Its like I've been here before, even my stubby little toes have their perfect indention, the place that they call home. So I take it foot by foot. First my left, then my right. I kneel down, my knees crack a little- because it's been a while since I've been here- putting on the givers shoes. I touch the laces, the shoes are worn in for sure. I pull them taught. I tie the knot on one side. I move to the next and repeat that tieing motion, putting my feel fully in the shoes that are to be filled by only me. I stand and I feel the love that moves from my toes to my heart, from my heart to my fingers, all the way up my arms and out of my head.
Who are you Christ? What is this charity? You're beautiful, charming, and peaceful. How do I deserve thee? I know in my gratitude I'll do all that I can to serve thee. Thank you for these shoes. Thank you for these individuals that you've given to me to care for. Thank for letting me borrow thy love, and filling my fountain within. You are the living waters, you are the shining sun. I'll runnth over just to let them feel you, I'll shine just to let them see.

living for love

"Live for Me", he says. But what is this except for an excuse? He wants my life to be something to be happy about. He wants my heart to be held in his hands, and filled and given to others unconditionally- that's charity right? Who am I, but the dust of the earth- blowing hither and thither to the commands of nature and the wind- until he gives me the opportunity to choose to love him back. How blessed am I with options- how blessed am I to be able to see far off and hear him speak. He gave his life for mine. Not quite a fair trade. I'm just me, and He's only a God. He takes my imperfection and makes beauty. I take his perfection and try to make something out of it, that maybe a 3 yr old would call art. I'm just a finger painter with no skill, and he's a highly trained artist with a heart full of inpiration. He builds each day with his light showing things to us that most people never see, like the golden kisses from a setting sun, on tall tree tops in the park. How are we so lucky? How are we so ignorantly taken care of?

When God gave me this canvas to paint on. I ignored it. When I realized what it was, I embraced it. with a moment of thought and not of creation I pulled away and noticed that my lines were too broad and my moments were too close together. I noticed that I had used far too much dark color than light. I noticed that the perspective was dimmer than it should be. So now I have to let it dry, and come back and hopefully paint a lovers hue. I have to mold the colors behind to be something of a shadow of the greatness that will be before it.

insomnia much? (probably too lengthy to appreciate)

Sometimes after church on sundays after a full spiritual day I come home and crash... not for 2 or 3 hours, but for 5. Its easy to do when there isn't anything pressing or plans so this is what I did today. I woke up at 10pm, wondering where my boyfriend was with a uber frowny face- but then I heard my roomate outside say "Zach Attack!!" and I exclaimed with much joy "yayayayayay!"
Then we read scriptures and had a good spiritual talk. I tucked him in and came home to my favorite Magazine- Real Simple. Why is this magazine amzing? It tugs on every part of womanhood- organization and house cleaning, emotion, fashion, thrift, choices. Tonight I discovered that they are having a writing contest and its prompt is this "I never thought I'd..." Couldn't there be a different prompt? I mean there's $3000- a two night stay in NYC- and a broadway show on the line here. Now I have to come up with something meaningful that I've done that I didn't think I would do. And I hate the word "I'd" probably the ugliest word in American English language. Oh well, we'll see if I come up with anything.
Just for the record- the twilight soundtracks are pheonomenal. I'm a connoisseur of soundtracks and they get 2 thumbs up and two big fatty toes tappin' as well!
Yesterday I woke up at ninethirty am to a handsome man with a dozen assorted roses on my doorstep, and as plans settled I ended up going to Lagoon. yea... an amusement park. I was kind of a wussbag (that's for you Ryan, if you're reading this) But I didn't throw up, and I didn't die- and I think I enjoyed it. The best part was seeing how much Zach enjoyed it. He loved it...the fun part is this- I see the genuine excitement in his face, but then I see him blow it out of proportion a little just to make it more fun. He cracks me up. I could, however, feel the momentum of the day when I closed my eyes. Which was kinda crazy.
Love life. Live life. And for goodness sake, Laugh at life.

There's a Battle

and its between two four letter L words. who wins?

Can I just say I freakin' love God. I love the Holy Ghost- and I love the scriptures and I love prayer. I love the fact that when you do the right things on a normal basis, the right things become easy to do.
The funny thing is this- I can hear a clear cut battle going on in my head- even when I'd like to imagine that its not occuring. I feel as if sometimes I'm in the middle of a tug of war battle- but my feet are on the ground deciding which side to push for. Tonight, I win.
Daily for the past month virtue for virtue has been falling to the bottom of the hourglass. knock it over, turn back time. Put up your guns, cuz I'm ready to fight- for what's mine. Its called worthiness for a future that could be. Its called being able to deserve something that God wants to bless you with. Its called approval. I like it.

laziness

So I've been overcome with laziness lately. My job search is endless. My love is romantic. I had two interviews fall through this weekend- ones that weren't my fault. How annoyingly sad huh?

I am looking forward to lunch with my lover. I love ray lamontange.
I wanna eat. and eat and eat and eat.
I wanna be a better person. I know its a journey, but I wish I would've arrived by now.
I wanna play piano/ guitar and sing the jazz.

mostly today I just want to nap. its hard to be motivated by fruitless searches.


....

painting

torn, yet flawless. Morning light seeps in through a half open window and kisses the cheek of an angel. the effort to do what's right sometimes doesn't match up with what is easiest. faithfully holding strong to what has been promised with a wonder, when will relief come? why do I even deserve it?
this canvas is blank just waiting to be colored upon, but there is hesitation in the application of hues, there is planning and strategy to an artists perstpective- where should the juxtaposition be?