dear diary

this morning I woke up remembering just what happened in my Recent REM. My roomie and I are sitting on the floor looking at something and talking- the volume is muted at this moment, and then he walks in with blue jeans, a white tee shirt, and his sox cap, the light is almost shining from behind him. This doesn't cancel anything out that happened and I was confused and a whole rush of emotion came over me in the dream. I even asked "what are you doing here?" but i didn't touch him in the dream, and after I asked that question he just shrugged. Who does that? Who shrugs? I wake up and I am pissed. I want to know that I didn't have it that bad. I shouldn't be dreaming about him. It was 6 weeks. six freakin' weeks- thats nothing. I've dreamt of him atleast 3 or 4 times- I have dreamt of Derek about that much, and i thought I was going to marry derek for 2 or 3 years. Jeremy doesn't deserve this many dreams. He doesn't deserve the thought, and he sure as hell doesn't deserve my sadness, or my tears - but emotionally, even though i am trying to date other people I cannot clean him out. I cannot wash away the stains that are left from our mistakes. The handsoap at work makes my hands smell like his hair, its comparable to his shampoo, and it just flashes me back to him sitting up, me sitting on him, and me smelling his hair, and him smelling my chest. That's what I get when I wash my hands at work.
Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out.
I won't lie, sometimes when I go to bed, I just want to hear him hit my window like he did, that way I know he's here- and I can go get the door. And when I open the door, he'll be there smiling.