I have a pretend boyfriend. We see eachother once, if we're lucky twice a week. When we are together, all bets are off. Things are magical and spontaneous, and who knows whats going on. When we aren't together- we aren't together at all. We text, but its minimal, we talk, but there is no connection.
My reproductive organs are broken. Something is wrong with me and I don't know what. Things have seemed unnormal forever. And I go crazy when I have my period. Not like... normal. For about 10 days everything is out of control. I say things I don't mean, I do things I shouldn't, and I don't do things I should.
I am scared. I am scared that it'll hurt when you leave. I am scared that it won't hurt when you leave, because I will be so used to people leaving that it won't matter. I am scared that I am broken. I am scared to try a new birth control- because the last one absolutely wrecked me. I am scared. This semester is hard, in every way. I have loads of homework. Emotionally I am not ok. I am scared. I want to be centered and sure. I want to know my path and follow it. I am unmotivated to follow through with school because all i want to do is get married and have babies, but to be honest, I don't even know if I am going to be able to have babies. I hope I can. I hope I can.
I hate it when people won't let me in. I hate it when people won't use words to express things. Just tell me something, give me something to hold on to.
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