lucky lady

Here it is, or more so hear I am. Its the beginning of a brand new budding week. Sundays are the spring time of each week- the moment where on the branches small green sprouts pop out and you see the potential of each day's opportunities.

I realized I'm tired from a long winter. I realize the week ahead has necessary time blocks for no people, just work. I realize that the need for new friends, current friends, and old friends- I realize that this may be the answer to the perspective that I'm needing. I realize the need to trash monotony. I realize the absolute necessity for balance and for taking appropriate time for all things.

This week I rode public transit a lot. my favorite part: downing out the sounds of the city with music of my choice, yet keeping my eyes open to see the life surrounding me, seeing the wrinkled worn out faces of the people at each surrounding seat -but maybe trying to understand each perspective as in individual. more favorites of public transit: When the north trax and the south trax pass each other and for a flickering moment seeing a reflection- looking at the reflection deep in the eye for that split second- and feeling the speed of the spinning world.

New goals: removing me from my own life. Replacing me with important thoughts. Replacing my needs with others needs and delivering. Replacing me time with task oriented appreciation of thoughts, beauty, and actions of others.

And a deep study of Proverbs 31:10-end. This scripture is a favorite- its forever a measuring tool of the perfect woman, and all my mediocre strivings.

I don't get why everyday can't be your birthday...

Yea, maybe its because I wore a tiara and I carried flower around and had a lover on my arm and walked to lunch today- and because I talked to my family, didn't have to work- and had a day full of happiness and love.

I feel grateful and lucky to have all the beautiful people in my life that I do- their relationships are priceless.

I want to live the last 6 hrs on repeat. :)

6 minutes and counting

So basically, I turn 24 in 6 minutes... you are asking... are you excited? I'm saying... I'm getting freakin' old.... you call me master, jk. Today was pretty legit. I'm pretty lucky- life has taken a turn for better and I'm blessed undeniably. I can't even begin to really express what's going on but, things are changing... the question is- can I keep up?

I always go though this like... criteria at the end of every year. But the thing is- this year was awesome and i got a lot accomplished... I feel like i followed my heart and I worked harder in some areas than others and I feel good about it... not saying that it wasn't hard, because it was. But I like where I ended up.

3 minutes...

I love my family, I love my friends, I love my God. I'm surrounded by good and beautiful things- is anyone noticing all the great things in their lives? Or even the most grateful person- are they still missing things? I dunno...

2 minutes....

I'm beautiful, strong, and free. Today we got into a debate in my anthopology class about gender roles- and I pretty much stood up for women's rights- to be feminine- not feminist. check that... read the family proclamation to the world- or proverbs 31:10-end... That's what ladies should be doing, and focusing on.... not money- or power, or greed- but service, that's what makes a woman.

It's officially my birthday! I'm 24 now.... take that 23!

footing

I see the light. I feel the foundation. I graze my torn up fingertips across the rock and I know, again- finally where i stand. Here I sit, with blankets wrapped around me like a Moses robe, reading about whether its right for people to hate pigs or not, or whether there should be stricter gun control laws in the United States or not- what am I doing? I'm taking a moment of reflection on something good that happened. I felt it today, the reason to let all my armor fall in a pile at my feet. Today I felt safe. I understood what it was to trust, and I let nature- oh sweet nature- come in and do its thing. The truth is, life is going to happen- things will go or not- My place is to accept in gratitude what is good, and to endure and pull through what is bad. my place is not to worry- to force, coerce, or change that of which is supposed to happen. Just accept it and trust the one who knows so much more than I. because he is.

A boy stood before us and talked a lot about football today, but really if you were listening- you heard about Christ, and people living by his example and serving and giving pure love to others. Its incredible what you hear when you decide to listen with your heart and not your ears. I like it.

So my effort is here: do my part- don't think about it, just do it- help others do their part- enjoy the love that I feel when I do those things. Seek to understand what it is that I have been given and truly show gratitude in service and in love.

My family loves me. I'm really lucky for that. My friends, they love me too. I am really lucky for that. My parents- they support me. I couldn't ask for more. My God, he knows me- what can I really say to that?

when it hasn't been your day, your week, or month, or even your year

here it is. life has been balls lately. I really just want a moment of grace. the fact that I had 2 diet cokes and saw a butterfly, maybe that's my moment of mercy when this trial has been drug out. maybe the fact that I do have a savior holding my hand through it all. possibly even while I'm cussing out my best friends, in venting...

people on public transit smell like urine. a Mexican watched me enjoy the black keys all the way into town. on Wednesday night at open mike night, a guy named johnny played the guitar and talked about basketball and how he still had game and then gave me the up down again and again. finally my guy friend put his arm around me to stake claim... good grief.

a drunk guy rear ended me in a traffic jam, I now have whiplash, my back hurts.

I need $500.

I have amazing friends to hold my hands through all of this. there are people that love me and have never intentionally tried to hurt me.

You hurt my feelings everyday at least once. maybe i'm over sensitive, or maybe you're just a dick... I haven't decided yet.

lately I've been submissive to a fault.

I can't cry when I'm upset, I'm not that lucky. I was ten days early, does anyone have any idea what that does to a girl with PMDD... really? Basically my life is ruined and I'd like to have some unpsycho time if possible.

ka-harma

I hate it. you know. how when you do something there is always consequences. when you don't put in the work you don't get the glory. when you fall short of motivation's necessity. I guess I'm one of those people- u know with that, whatever it is, potential- but 30% of the time I wake up and I just feel dead inside- Does everyone else go through that? I'm amazing, I'm terrible, or I'm dead. Usually dead surrounds terrible, it precedes and proceeds. Can I get a little understanding- or is it just my immense immaturity- that when my body hurts, when I feel gluh! I don't push myself. Do normal people push themselves? Does everyone get this way but just make themselves go! all the time- and really, is 48 hrs on the weekend enough to really revive a person. I'm convinced that I could sleep 10 hrs a day and still wake up absolutely exhausted...

..."are you alright? I can stand up straight. are you alright? Can you get me off your mind?"

And why, why does college have to kill a person. I really only work 20 hrs a week, and I really only have 13 credit hours- why am I so freakin' dead? Maybe its because I'm not depending enough upon what's important. Maybe its because I'm still not taking all the "me time" I need, even though now I spend $120 a month just for the convenience of it.

I hate me, because lets be honest. I love talking to people. I love people. I hate movies because it removes the talking. I hate being quiet when I don't have to. I hate sitting in silence and reading unless its useless reading. I hate homework. I hate school. I hate the fact that Zach and I are perfect and not back together. I hate that I can't feel balanced. I hate estrogen. I HATE that i'm 2 weeks early, I just wanted a freakin' break. I dislike that I have pmdd, which makes like three times as hard as its supposed to be.

What I want: just like in the movie garden state- in the end of the movie when the three main characters are standing on a back hoe, in garbage bags to protect them from the rain, right close to the ravine, when then all just give up at the end of their shenanigans and they all just scream.

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I need that moment after a good break down, but I just can't seem to get the sensation, no matter how much I cry- how much I scream- I'm sick of swallowing the lump. I'm unsatisfied. I'm disappointed. I'm hurt. take me or leave me, but for the sake of all things beautiful, figure it out.

Just in case you were wondering

your fingerprints are all over this heart. if you thought anything different, its been handled by you and you only. you're the keeper of my whole. waltzing through gardens with a glimmer in the night sky that says- i love you, is this real? I guess these were the glimpses into the future that we could have. standing under a night sky, walking home, i had to stop. why? for no other reason than to express how hard and how far I was falling in love with you, to know that you've been the answers to my prayers, to know that because nothing physical that I could give to you would even reach the extent to the presence that you are. I look up, in a hope to find something, and there she shines, full and bright, the moon. Its yours if you'll stand by my side and know that I love you.

so now, when things seem sketchy and unclear I can remember nights and days and moments with you knowing that you are my everything. with out question. lets get back to the answers- the the moments of rightness.

You're my morning bright and my moonlight. you're the reason if after knowing you this long that my heart still skips a beat, just at the thought of sight of you- or your closeness. Everyday I learn a little more, i see a feature that I love, i'm reminded of your perfection, and your divinity as a Son.

I'm on the edge of a cliff, with my eyes closed, feeling the wind blow and break against my face- arms, shoulders, and legs. Just waiting for the right time the let the moment cease, to switch it up by jumping the rest of the way... This is where my heart is love... this is where i wait hopefully.