Dear Christmas

I know what Christmas is about- this year is untraditional. I spend it with my future- not my past. I spend it with new family.

Today is neither christmas eve or christmas day- but the day before both- really all I wanted was a hug from someone who loves me. But in my situation I couldn't find that. Its ok though- cuz tomorrow and the next day will be different. I'll be surrounded by people who love me. And it'll be great. Because I'll get to love them all the way back.

today I'll finish the book that I started at the beginning of the semester. Everybody knows that reading books extracurricularly during a semester hardly is successful- because there is already so much reading in all of the classes that you're taking that one more ounce of reading on top of that might make your eyes bleed.

I used to love Matt Costa. I'm listening to him today- its alright, and there are catchy songs- but I'm less impressed than what I used to be- maybe its because I heard he was pretty into himself. Which is depressing- cuz' you'd imagine someone of his social standpoint in the music industry to be a little more humble- apparently not in his case.

I painted my toes today. I got this paint for christmas from my sister- its purple and sparkly and i love it.

I'm going to play guitar tonight. maybe I'll get my song together for Zach. maybe.

True Romance

whispers fly and he asks caught somewhere between consciousness and unconsciousness, "am I dreaming?" And she says with a huge satisfied grin on her face, "No baby, this is for real!"

I. Am. The. Luckiest.

Hands down- whenever I've heard the damsel in distress and the knight on a white horse stories I always thought they were a crock of crap. I now know differently. I know that it really does happen- when he's ready he fights for you. He surely does. He pulls out his sword and battles the goblins, that way the castle stays safe. Sometimes the princess even joins the prince in the battles- she can be strong too. But the point is that their love is so strong that they both fight familiar demons and put two things that matter most, first. God's will, and their concern for the other person. With that perspective who can fail? No One. Because when its right- everything falls into place and no matter the opposition.

We will only need each other- we'll bleed together, our hands will not be taught to hold another because we're the special two- we can only see each other, we'll breathe together, these arms will not be taught to hold anothers- because we're the special two! - missy higgins

I think this is where I get scooped up and ride on the back of a horse into the sunset with my lover, it honestly feels like that. How can this be real? How can this be life? How can love actually be this good!

Yell from your rooftops good!

Things or thoughts

I'm frustrated that I can't think here anymore. I can't say what I love, I can't say what I hate, I can't say what I want because I don't want you to know me anymore. I don't want you to take what I say and tell me I can't feel it. I don't want you to listen. I don't want you to know what's important to me. I don't want you to know where I hurt. I don't want you to know how happy I am. I don't want you to know of my future or anything that I'm striving for. So I'll be elsewhere.

really?

Is it possible that the world wants something from me that I haven't given it? Is there a chance that its wrecking havoc on my life this semester so that everything good can happen after this chunk of time? I'm waiting for the peace. what should I be learning here?

I learned that no matter what you shouldn't drive because there might be drunk people who hit you.

I learned that you should not fight and only speak kind words, and better express when your feelings are hurt.

I've learned that you should only trust God, and not in the arm of flesh.

I've learned that keeping the commandments is the way to go.

I've learned that Utah doesn't hire enough people to plow, and car accidents happen because of that. chalk that up for no. 2 this season.

I've learned that Dianna, as a person cannot balance effectively all this trial, plus school, plus work, plus relationship, plus maintaining friendships, plus the normalcies of life.

Should I be able to do that? Maybe I'm less than most, and I'm not wonder woman, but I still love me.

I've learned that you shouldn't dig in the hearts of those you don't trust.

I've learned that I love Zach more than anything in the whole wide world, and he returns the favor- so with everything else falling apart around us, I'm positive we can come off victorious if we stand by each other.

I see that I'm going to do terrible this semester when it comes to grades- but that's not the end of the world.

I, somehow through this all, know that God loves me and I'm not quite sure why I had to learn all these lessons in such an explosive way. But I did... and maybe now, through all of this, and all the justice I'm going to have to deal with, I'll maybe become a grown up.

save me from this cage

emme packer= yes.

Today I gained a lot. I learned a lot. I thought a lot. I felt a lot. I saw a lot. I read a lot. I wrote a lot. I changed a lot. I turned a lot. I grew a lot.

thank you.

I like it when people leak surprises to me for me. because then I can be excited for their potential, whether or not it comes through or not.

remember when we learned skinny love, and we were sitting on the couch passing the guitar back and forth. Same day these things happened: there was a storm and we watched as half the sky showed the sun, and the other was a mix of deep black, gray, and water- somewhere in the middle we caught a double rainbow. We went from door to door to try and find Pride and Prejudice so I could show you the pretty pretty scenery. I wrapped my legs around you and kissed you while you talked on the phone to your dad.

remember when we slept on the floor the night before I moved home for the summer and how burnt I was and how we woke up with tears in our eyes and you quoted bright eyes to me.

you know we constantly tell each other we love each other in lyrics.

remember when I wrote about a cliff that i was standing on the edge of, and the wind was blowing everything back and I was thinking about jumping. I'm pretty sure I just jumped.

the light bulb moment

ah, people are so silly. Think about it... babies take about a year and a half to a year before they decide they want to talk. In a world speaking there language being submersed in they're culture- they take 18 months to become an active participant in communicating with words. does any one else find this facinating?

Think about it, when we learn a second language- we want to start talking right away- but babies- they take quiet months to learn, and then they slam dunk it once they learn and they learn really quickly- usually by 3 they have a fairly good vocabulary- they become fluent in a year. With out a study book, what if we moved to a country that spoke an entirely different language. what if we just let ourselves listen for 18 months- do you think over the course of the next 12 we could become fluent, without study or manuals? I'm not sure- but I think observation is a powerful tool.

I've been thinking a lot about my communication with the Lord lately. I've been trying to figure out how to hear him, and how to really listen. I've been thinking about my refusal to heed the quiet promptings- and I guess I really wonder what would happen if I did. maybe I'm nervous- maybe I think my strict obedience would do nothing. Its silly- because any other time I've applied obedience and faith my conscious has cleared and I've truly felt freer. Its weird- because silly things from years ago reflect against my conscious- but they're still there, untaken care of- an apology is all it would take- and to be honest- its not affecting anyone but me. Why wouldn't someone open their heart by fixing their faults so they could have a conscious clear conscience? Why wouldn't they do it. Maybe it won't do anything but clear a conscience- but what does that feel like, right? clean. and when that happens isn't the entire world your canvas- and can't you paint with anything then? Just something to think about- maybe I just need to be quiet and listen before I talk...

hello joy

Welcome back, uncontrollable smiles and laughing. I've missed you.

I like antique looking street lights in the fall, especially, because the golden leaves on the ground reflect the light with much pleasure.

Jesus is....unbelievably amazing. Weird how I said he was unbelievable, when in all actuality, i live my life the way I do because I believe in him. Christ, is cool. Pretty sure they both start with a C for a reason ;). I've got impressively beautiful people in my life. I've once heard that you become who you surround yourself with. I'm not hesitating to surround myself with people that I want to be like. People that I honestly think are better than me, because I know if I do that, then I'll become better. That's the goal right? to be better.

This might sound crazy- but I'm really looking forward to spending the weekend at home and rest a lot. I wanna sleep, eat, and read. I got half way through eat, pray, love before the semester started and i haven't really touched it after- i want to finish that book this weekend. I have a terrible habit of only reading the first half of a book and then never finishing it. I'm pretty sure I've done that about a hundred times... its a chronic thing. I'm a chronic half book reader... oh well.